im more alive now than i have been all day, my creative juices are flowing..
yet its the middle of the night, and im at chris' house.
i have nothing with me, and i haven't even showered yet today.. grose.
i've literally sat here on this computer all day. how pathetic! i hate sitting around doing nothing, even when im sick i feel like i need to be up and doing something.. i can hardly sit still anymore. yet i still feel so lazy.. ?
im in one of those moods again.. a blah mood, yet i'm still being inspired at times.
i dont really know how to explain it.
ive went shopping online and spent $200 already today.. so that made me feel a little better. :p
idk, i just dont feel the same anymore.
im not.. lindsey.
its amazing how you wake up one day and feel completely different, like you changed over night while you were sleeping.
thats how i feel everyday now.
but its not necessarily good changes.. i mean, i feel like ive grown wiser the past year or so, but i just dont feel like me!
i've had so many people tell me lately "are you okay? you dont seem like yourself"
people worry about me, chris notices everyday.. and i agree. i am not myself anymore.
and i dont know what happened.. im just living my life, not trying to do anything any different, i just changed.
i work everyday, hardly get a break. i dont even work out anymore.. ive let myself go, completely.
im stressed, always late where ever i go, hardly wear makeup anymore.. never do anything with my hair.
i wake up late everyday, cant stick to my word, im unorganized, emotional, and i drink more often.
something is definitely wrong. but i honestly cant pin point what it is..
i have an amazing boyfriend (who should be told more often), i love both my jobs and make good money, i live for makeup, hair and fashion.. so why cant i act like it?
i look through old pictures and videos of me and friends and i was so different. always on top of things, always smiling and having a great time. just, living.
now i work everyday, no days off.. no time to work out, no time to hang out, i dont even know what a weekend is anymore.
i hardly see chris, and when i do im aggrivated cause i just want to sit around.. and then feel bad.
im lazy.
i feel trapped. my whole life ive just wanted to accomplish so much, and i feel like i havent gotten anywhere.
i want to go back to school, i want to move to the city, i want to own a nice car for once, i want my own freaking room!! i'm so crammed and feel like i'm not allowed to do anything..
i'm not free.
but it's not like anyone's holding me back, i'm holding myself back. and i dont know why.. ?!
i live for change, i need change all the time. i'm the type of person who gets bored very easily,
i'm constantly thinking of new ideas, im outside the box while everyone else is inside. im an open book.
so why am i afraid of moving forward? i am so independent, but do i really want to grow up?
i know its a part of life, but i dont understand why im so stuck.
ive always dreamed of moving to the city, and working for a big runway/fashion industry.
i want to do big crazy hair and bright, bold makeup. i want to create outfits and shoes, be a photographer AND model, maybe even open up my own business. so why cant i just do it?
i need inspiration, but it needs to come from within.. and i haven't found that missing puzzle piece yet.
im sick of being plain ol' boring lindsey. i want to live again!
i've been working myself sick lately, but theres nothing i can do.. i need money to live!
im burnt out, sluggish, and boring. this isn't me, and it needs to change. ASAP.
"There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream." -author unknown
"in order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different."
-coco chanel
xoxo
lindsey ellen
